DARK NIGHT OF SOUL
Anyone who is aware of their own spiritual evolution can probably tell you of a time when they experienced the dark night of soul. It is a painful and confusing time where nothing makes sense, there is no purpose to anything, and life seems hopeless.
I came into my dark night gradually and it lasted, off and on, for a period of about 20 years, during which time I teetered back and forth between happiness and feelings of loneliness and depression. When I turned 50, I took a trip by myself up to Lassen National Park so that I could talk to God and let Him know how utterly confused I was. Under a big Ponderosa Pine, I sat and wrote the following:
DESPAIR
My soul is aching, Lord.
Why do I feel such abundant joy one day and such utter despair the next?
Why is wisdom revealed to me one minute and such confusion in the next?
Have I not prayed for LOVE?
Have I not realized the beauty and power of LOVE?
Have I not learned that LOVE is all?
Have I not seen that nothing earthly is eternal, but that LOVE is all?
Why do You reveal these truths to me and leave me with no anwers?
Earthly problems are meaningless!
I don't worship money, yet I can't make enough.
I don't run from hard work, yet there is no reward.
I have loved my family, but they cannot comfort me.
I would give up everything, Lord, just to come HOME.
I desire nothing, Lord, but to be in Your light.
How long before I am worthy? Is my heart's desire not enough?
What tasks are left? What lessons must I learn?
How many times must I fail? How much pain must I endure?
I am willing, Lord. I would do anything. I would do it now.
I love you, Lord, that is ALL. Please comfort me.
Please let me come HOME.
And if that wasn't desperate enough, it actually got worse. Oh, sure, I had times of feeling good and moving along in life, but more like a programmed robot than a person loving what they're living. My drinking escalated, and in 2019 I started entertaining thoughts of suicide. I really believed that my children, my siblings, the whole world in general, would be a better place without me. Shoot myself? No, I don't do guns. Hang myself? No, I'm too chicken. Jump off a cliff? Still, too chicken. I know, cyanide! Drink, suffer quickly, goodbye world. So I researched places to find cyanide; but at every turn, I was denied the purchase. At one website, a picture of a skull and crossbones came onto the screen and actually started blinking these big, bold black letters, "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED HERE!" That really scared me, and I stopped looking. Like a lightning bolt, it occurred to me that God just might be saying, "Stop this foolishness! You still have work to do!"
That was when I got down on my knees and said the greatest prayer of my life. It was simply, "GOD, PLEASE TEACH ME DIVINE LOVE." I had hit rock bottom; and to this day, I believe that that one prayer changed my life. It was the one that God was waiting to hear before I was allowed to move forward. And in June of 2020 I decided to take the biggest step toward healing by getting sober. I had been through years of quitting for short periods, a stint at a rehab facility, and AA meetings, but I just didn't want to do any of that again. I simply wanted to be accountable to God and to one person who would talk to me everyday and make sure that I had gotten through another 24 hours without a drink. And there was only one person in the world who I knew, without a doubt, would walk with me. I called my daughter-in-law on Friday, June 5th, and said, "If I don't stop drinking, I'm going to die."
I will be forever grateful to my daughter-in-law. Her name is Amber. She called me every night for 6 months, generally half-hour sessions, and we worked through Celebrate Recovery, the Big Book, and other sobriety tools. Almost instantly, my life got better. I felt more engaged when I was around others and I became so much more aware of the presence of God in everything I did, especially in nature and in quiet moments. My search for TRUTH escalated, doors opened, and answers came.
I believe that Dark Night of Soul, though extremely painful, is a necessary part of spiritual evolution. It's a "purification," a "cleansing," and you emerge from it into a transformed state of consciousness. You awaken from an old sense of reality into something much deeper. It is a kind of rebirth.
We would love to hear about your "Dark Night", how you came through it, and how it transformed you ... or even if you're still going through it. If you aren't comfortable with writing, just send an email with your contact information, and I will get back and write it for you. Anyone going through this time can use as much support and encouragement as we can give.
Remember - THE DARKEST HOUR IS JUST BEFORE DAWN.
ECKHART TOLLE
At this time I would like to introduce you to another one of my teachers. Eckhart Tolle is a German-born spiritual teacher and author. His lessons involve consciousness and presence, living in the present moment and transcending the ego-based state of consciousness. He is sincere, witty, and easy to listen to. I seek his teachings on everything from inner peace to meditation.
Eckhart has made numerous videos about the dark night of soul. He speaks from experience and offers insights into coming through such a horrible time. He says, "The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die. What dies is the egoic sense of self. Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there – only an illusory identity. Now it is probably the case that some people who’ve gone through this transformation realized that they had to go through that, in order to bring about a spiritual awakening. Often it is part of the awakening process, the death of the old self and the birth of the true self."
I encourage you to check him out.
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